Types of deceiving and why, how they do it
.You can experience manipulation innumerable number of times in your life. The frequency rate is higher as you go higher in the social hierarchy.
Most of us want to trust and assume the best in other people. We believe that when someone tells us something, the other person is telling the truth. When we have been repeatedly hurt because others have taken advantage of our trust, we may change our beliefs about the world. We may become cynical and try to undermine others before we are hurt yet again and that is not good. The best strategy is probably to trust until someone shows us that they can’t be trusted and learning to identify the people in your life who have these manipulative traits.
Why Do People deceive Others:
These manipulators are a segment of the population that doesn’t share the same world view and doesn’t feel guilt or shame when they make someone unhappy. They are selfish, self centered and always focus on their goals. They have a strong need to feel superior and powerful in their relationships and these folks care about winning. They have difficulty in showing vulnerable emotions because it might suggest they are not in control. When they are not in control of themselves and over other people – they feel threatened.
If you try to over power them, they will retaliate in order to gain back the control they feel they are losing. These manipulative usually don’t consciously plan their tricks. They emerge from the manipulator’s underlying personality disorder. They may use active techniques like becoming angry, lying, intimidating, shouting, name-calling or other bullying tactics. Or they may use more passive methods like pouting, sulking, ignoring you, playing the victim, or giving you the silent treatment... phew!... that was a long list. And one good news is: most of the times, if the manipulators think that you know their tricks, then they will not use them against you.
If these people are often associated with criminal behavior then these are called Psychopaths. These are the people who feel little compassion for other people, don’t really feel guilty when they do something harmful. They pathologically lie, show superficial charm, tend to be impulsive, and don’t take responsibility for their own actions. Dont try to change them. Changing their ways is a very difficult task.
Process of getting manipulated:
Many of us don’t recognize manipulation when it occurs, mainly because it violates our basic assumptions about how people should behave. We simply don’t expect it.Learn how to recognize it readily. You cannot be manipulated if you are aware that it is happening – at the moment it happens.
1) Manipulators try to gain power over us in ways that are not obvious. Our gut(basic emotions)may tell us that they're fighting for something, struggling to overcome us, but because we can't point to clear, objective evidence they're aggressing against us and we cant validate our feelings.
2) Manipulators often know us better than we know ourselves. They know what buttons to push, when and how hard. Our lack of self-knowledge sets us up to be exploited. The manipulators are well aware of your insecurities, weakness and excitements. They know exactly how to provoke these issues to get their work done. They know what to say that triggers your excitements and worries and they have their work done while you are thinking about these issues. So be on guard that you’re not being naive, overconscientious, or overintellectual about issues because manipulators can and will use that against you.
3) They come across as caring, hurting, defending, vulnerable – almost anything but fighting – and these tactics obscure their real motives.
4) Your attention will be on the responsibility you feel, to take care of them, but you don’t recognize that they are trying to take advantage of you.
5) Some people are vulnerable and always tries to please people so that they can be accepted. Manipulators know well that these people needs acceptance and attention and they take advantage of this trait.
Recognizing the manipulators agendas:
Selective Inattention - This tactic is the manipulator "plays dumb", or act oblilvious. When engaging in this tactic, the manipulator actively ignores the warnings, pleas or wishes of others, and in general, refuses to pay attention to everything and anything that might distract them from pursuing their own agenda. Often, the aggressor knows full well what you want from him when he starts to exhibit this "I dont want to hear it!" behaviour. By using this tactic, the aggressor actively resists submitting himself to the tasks of paying attention to or refraining from the behaviour you want him to change. A simple example is the manipulator looks like he/she is engrossed in watching movie and not responding to your call for help regarding something
.An emotional manipulator is the picture of a willing helper-- If you ask them to do something they will almost always agree . Then when you say, "ok thanks" - they make a bunch of heavy sighs, or other non verbal signs that let you know they don’t really want to do that thing. When you tell them it doesn’t seem like they want to do whatever - they will turn it around and try to make it seem like OF COURSE they wanted to and how unreasonable you are. This is a form of crazy making - which is something emotional manipulators are very good at. Rule number two - If an emotional manipulator said YES - make them accountable for it. Do NOT buy into the sighs and subtleties - if they don’t want to do it - make them tell you it up front - or just put on the walk-man headphones and run a bath and leave them to their theatre.
Splitting– turning two people against each other by talking to each one behind the back of the other, getting them to dislike or distrust each other, which leaves the manipulator in a position of control.
Guilt-tripping – One thing that manipulators know well is that other types of persons have very different consciences/perspectives than they do. They are often skilled at using what they know to be the greater conscientiousness of their victims as a means of keeping them in a self-doubting, anxious, and submissive position. The more conscientious the potential victim, the more effective guilt is as a weapon. All a manipulator has to do is suggest to the conscientious person that they don't care enough, are too selfish, etc., and that person immediately starts to feel bad. If you confront the manipulator with with his wrong doing, hurtful behavior and want to him to acknowledge responsibility for his wrong doing, he will start complaining against you saying that he thought of you as a good person and you are being selfish and not caring enough.
Rationalization – A rationalization is the excuse an aggressor tries to offer for engaging in an inappropriate or harmful behavior. It can be an effective tactic, especially when the explanation or justification the aggressor offers makes just enough sense and at that time you feels he/she is correct with his/her act. If the aggressor can convince you he's justified in whatever he's doing, then he's free to pursue his goals without interference
Example: Joe(husband), Mary(mother) and Lisa(daughter) are family. Joe want Lisa to get all A grades and he forces her relentlessly all the time. Mary felt uneasy about Joe's forcefulness and sensed the impact on her daughter. When Mary confronted Joe, he loudly proclaimed any "good" parent would do just as he was doing to help Lisa, he subtly implied Mary would be a "bad" parent if she didn't attempt to do the same. He "invited" her to feel ashamed of herself. The tactic was effective. Mary eventually felt ashamed for taking a position that made it appear she didn't care enough about her own daughter.
Then mary was lost in thoughts, and ultimately Joe got a position of dominance over Mary.
Playing the Victim Role – One of the easiest ways to spot an manipulator is that they often attempt to establish intimacy through the early sharing of deeply personal information that is generally of the "hook-you-in-and-make-you-sorry-for-me" variety. This tactic involves portraying oneself as an innocent victim of circumstances or someone else's behavior in order to gain sympathy, evoke compassion and thereby get something from another. For example he will tell you his/her story about his/her suffering.They throw us off balance and to create in us a sense of guilt and obligation to help him/her. Initially you may perceive this type of person as very sensitive, emotionally open and maybe a little vulnerable. Know that he is as vulnerable as a rabid pit bull, and there will always be a problem or a crisis to overcome One thing that they know is the fact that less calloused and less hostile personalities usually can't stand to see anyone suffering. Therefore, they will convince you that they are suffering in some way, and they want you to relieve their distress.They will make you fight their battles and, when time comes they say that they never asked you to fight and they escape from the scene.You cannot attack these people as It gives him more to complain and get more supporters. The best response is to avoid being thrown off balance by their ploys and avoid buying into their guilt.Keep your boundaries intact and try to find the reality and its extent and the need they have.
Playing the Servant Role – They use this tactic to cloak their self-serving agendas in the guise of service to a more noble cause. It's a common tactic but difficult to recognize. By pretending to be working hard on someone else's behalf, they conceal their own ambition, desire for power, and quest for a position of dominance over others.
Seduction – These people are adept at charming, praising, flattering or overtly supporting others in order to get them to lower their defenses and surrender their trust and loyalty. They also particularly aware that people who are to some extent emotionally needy and dependent (and that includes most people who aren't character-disordered) want approval, reassurance, and a sense of being valued and needed more than anything. Appearing to be attentive to these needs can be a manipulator's ticket to incredible power over others. He knows you want to feel valued and important. So, he often tells you that you are. You don't find out how unimportant you really are to him until you turn out to be in his way
Diversion – A moving target is hard to hit. When we try to keep a discussion focused on a single issue or behavior we don't like, he's expert at knowing how to change the subject, dodge the issue or in some way throw us a curve. They use distraction and diversion techniques to keep the focus off their behavior, move us off-track, and keep themselves free to promote their self-serving hidden agendas.They never give a straight answer.
If you have a headache an emotional manipulator will have a brain tumor! No matter what your situation is the emotional manipulator has probably been there or is there now - but only ten times worse. They have a way of de-railing conversations and putting the spotlight back on themselves. If you call them on this behavior they will likely become deeply wounded or very petulant and call you selfish - or claim that it is you who are always in the spotlight. The thing is that even though you know this is not the case you are left with the impossible task of proving it. Don’t bother - walk away!
Crazy making - saying one thing and later assuring you they did not say it. An emotional manipulator is an expert in turning things around, rationalizing, justifying and explaining things away. They can lie so smoothly that you can sit looking at black and they’ll call it white - and argue so persuasively that you begin to doubt your very senses. Over a period of time this is so insidious and eroding it can literally alter your sense of reality.
A good way is to write down everything. It is very disconcerting for an emotional manipulator if you begin carrying a pad of paper and a pen and making notations during conversations. Feel free to let them know you just are feeling so "forgetful" these days that you want to record their words and that will help.
Projecting the blame (blaming others) – They always looking for a way to shift the blame for their aggressive behavior. They are not only skilled at finding scapegoats, they're expert at doing so in subtle, hard to detect ways.
Lying – It's often hard to tell when a person is lying at the time he's doing it. Fortunately, there are times when the truth will out because circumstances don't bear out somebody's story. But there are also times when you don't know you've been deceived until it's too late. One way to minimize the chances that someone will put one over on you is to remember that because manipulators of all types will generally stop at nothing to get what they want, you can expect them to lie and cheat. Manipulators often lie by withholding a significant amount of the truth from you or by distorting the truth. They are adept at being vague when you ask them direct questions. Always seek and obtain specific, confirmable information.
Shaming – This is the technique of using subtle sarcasm and put-downs as a means of increasing fear and self-doubt in others. They use this tactic to make others feel inadequate or unworthy, and therefore, defer to them. It's an effective way to foster a continued sense of personal inadequacy in the weaker party, thereby allowing an aggressor to maintain a position of dominance.
Being Aloof -- The Aloof’s goal is to create a vagueness around himself, forcing us to pour ourselves into getting information which is normally shared in a straight-forward, casual manner.By their indirectness, their tact, and their outwards appearance they impress us from a distance. But, as we approach them, they retract, become distant, an unapproachable, afraid that their inner "secrets," fears, tactics or tricks may be exposed. Reprimanded for expressing themselves in their childhood, they believe that ultimately no one can be trusted. After having demonstrated trust and intimacy, they cut the communication and suddenly turn against the one in whom they shared trust.
The most effective way to deal with "Aloof’s" by avoiding—at all costs—defensive behaviors. That means don't confront him/her. Such behaviors merely fuel their anxieties, fears, and distrust. However, once we confront them with this, the Aloof individual will likely cut all communications with us and those around us. In such cases there is no need to feel bad and blame ourselves for that asit is the nature of the Aloof.
The Interrogator -- It’s easy to know when you’re in the presence of an Interrogator. You’ll get an unmistakable feeling you’re being monitored, watched, and criticized. That’s because Interrogators consider others inadequate, incompetent, stupid, or unable to handle things.Don’t let them draw you into their world. That’s how they throw us off balance. They would like us be unsure of ourselves, to doubt our convictions and to surrender our boundaries to their intimidating tactics. They would intimidate others to believe the world is not safe or orderly unless the Interrogator is in charge. Self-acclaimed heroes, Interrogators are ruthless perfectionists, monitoring everything with a smothering sense of caring and an all-consuming, dictator-like control.
Don’t cower(hide in fear) back. Don’t give in. "Name" the game and tell him how we feel in his presence. Interrogators, when confronted, typically turn the tables on us and project his own interrogative excesses on us. Expect it and prepare for it. Decide whether its true or not (without getting stuck or frozen) and make necessary adjustments if necessary.Having "named the Interrogator’s game," don’t let the Interrogator become your conscience." Since Interrogators rarely change, when they see your boundaries are strong and their ploys ineffective with yourself and others, they will angrily cut the relationship rather than risk having to change.At all costs, keep your integrity, demonstrate your character, and control your anger. Don’t let them frustrate you, especially in the presence of others! If necessary, rehearse your responses with an experienced confidence.
Intimidator -- Their threats, their harsh words, and their unpredictable, abusive actions all suggest the potential for uncontrollable rage or violence.Often they will convey their threats publicly adding illustrations of how they dealt with—and destroyed—others like us in the past. A specific way Intimidators attempt to knock us "off balance" is by their powerful, merciless attacks and attempts at publicly humiliating the enemy. These attacks are intended to incite all kinds of hurtful emotions in the foe.
Examples include such things as unwarranted guilt, a sense of worthlessness, a feeling of incompetence, and of course, fear. It’s their trap; it’s the secret to their success. The reason these attacks work is because Intimidators are so skilled at these techniques that often those being attacked are unable or unwilling to confront them.
The keys to an effective response are to 1) name the game, 2) Consider whether the accusations are right and correct them if necessary, and 3) to not be knocked "off balance". As much as possible, remove yourself from the Intimidator. Stay close enough to know what he's doing, but far enough to keep you from being under his controlling, ever-watchful eye. Do everything possible to keep business "as usual." Do everything you can to patiently do everything you can to maintain a relatively smooth and healthy continuation of work--even in his presence.When the Intimidator recognizes that his threats and force cannot overcome your patient firmness; when he recognizes his threats cannot cause you to back off in fear, he will begin planning for his "big move.". Stay patient, stay in control, and don't over-react. Above all, don't seek vengeance. That's exactly what he wants. Each time you deal with the Intimidators' fear-provoking tactics, don’t cave in! Don't run! You'll probably take some heat and a beating. But be patient.
Emotional manipulators fight dirty -- They don’t deal with things directly. They will talk around behind your back and eventually put others in the position of telling you what they would not say themselves. They make others do that by playing the victim role.
What to do now:
Make sure you read all the above stuff. Then you will have some good knowledge. If you think that you need more elaboration with examples on this topic, read this book " In sheeps clothing ".
-Become a Better Judge of Character. -Avoid victimization by identifying the people in your life who have these manipulative or agressive traits.
-Know Yourself Better: One key to dealing with manipulators is that they know exactly what your buttons are, and how hard and how long they need to push them to get what they want. So be on guard that you’re not being naive, overconscientious, or overintellectual about issues because manipulators can and will use that against you.
-Know What to Expect and What to Do.
-Recognize manipulative tactics immediately and then reframe things so that you get what you want and/or need. If you don’t know what that is, take a step back and figure it out. Then be assertive.
-There is no use in trying to be honest with an emotional manipulator.
-You know when you’re in the thick of this kind of thing it’s normal to be depressed. Don’t try to make them change, work on yourself.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me